It comes around every year after all the fun and games are over with the festive holidays: The Season of Blah. It’s back to work, the decorations come down, the partying slows, good spirits fade and no fun holidays are in sight for a long time. No one kicks up their heels for Presidents’ Day, Valentine’s Day stinks and all those Hallmark Christmas movies finally end leaving everyone to create their own escapist diversions from reality until the next/final season of Game of Thrones.
So now perhaps is the perfect time to vent about what bothers me about all the merriment and happy endings that occur in the Hallmark Christmas world.
1. The perfect snows. I’ve lived in small towns and cities and never have I experienced perfectly plowed streets. There are always icy patches, street corners piled with snow you can’t see around while driving, piles along the curbs so you can’t cross the street without navigating over and through. In reality there’s slush and black snow from exhaust fumes which are never seen in a Hallmark movie.
2. No one ever experiences a string of lights blowing out on Christmas Eve. I’ve had the experience more than once.
3. Female characters who know they’re headed for a cold snowy destination and wear 4” stiletto heels. Those of us who live in climates that have winters that are cold and snowy wear practical flats and boots. Just as you can brown bag your lunch, you can brown bag your heels. I once went to a job fair dressed in a suit and snow boots. No one dismissed my credentials because I wore practical footwear to navigate the snow outside. The boots actually boosted my credibility as a serious job candidate.
4. The female characters who manage to fit three winter coats into a small suitcase for a weekend/week trip. Who makes these Mary Poppins suitcases? If I were able to fit one winter coat into my luggage I would only then have room for underwear, let alone multiple coats. Dressed in only underwear and a coat would lead to frostbite and hypothermia in no time flat.
5. Every movie requires cutting down a live tree which takes all of 5 seconds to anchor in a stand. Seriously? These people obviously have Superman speed and strength because I’ve never been able to tighten those screw bolts so fast while ensuring the trunk is straight.
6. The decorated tree is so obviously not the same tree hauled into the house/apartment. Clearly it is not live and is perfectly sized and shaped. The branches never bend when stringing the lights or hanging heavy ornaments.
7. Putting the tree topper on last. In reality you work from the top down so you don’t break anything or risk knocking the tree down.
8. No one ever eats all those gingerbread houses they make. Why do they keep making them? How about making gingerbread sculptures instead?
9. All those indoor string lights in every room that apparently have invisible extension cords and houses that apparently have an unusual number of outlets perfectly situated for all those cords. Who custom builds a house for Christmas decorations? Let me know so that I can hire them to build my next house.
10. Umm…well I could probably come up with more but that would be nit-picking.
Clearly I do not live a Hallmark life. Perhaps I do but I just missed the movies that more closely resembled my reality. I didn’t watch them all and I admit I fell asleep watching some but that’s okay because the formulaic fluff kept me on my evening workout strength regimen instead of sitting and waiting for a critical moment or engrossing storyline plot
That said, John Oliver needs to shorten his hiatus and bring on those dragons in a place where there are no gingerbread houses, cookie baking or string lights.