Man-Wife Wanted: An Equal Employment Opportunity

4416872268_902940471d_z“Another bride, another June…“

We always wanted a wife. We weren’t gay. We weren’t interest in marrying women, but a wife sounded like a great idea. Someone to collect and sort the mail, act as secretary managing appointments and schedules, do laundry, buy groceries, cook, clean, work at a career, take care of the kids, arrange after school activities, “jump in bed at 5 (am), rock til 6 (am) and start all over again…” An everyday superhero.  No one ever heard of a husband described that way. No, definitely not. They mowed lawns, took out the garbage (sometimes) watched TV and had careers which were more important than anything around the house. Clearly having a wife seemed much more useful and practical than a husband.

Husbands usually also need to be told when to take out the garbage, mow the lawn, fix whatever. Wives don’t need to be reminded about groceries, cooking, cleaning or where the kids are.  It’s part of their superpowers.

House-husbands are not the answer either. House-husbands are the product of deliberate role-swapping. A conscious decision has been agreed upon by the couple that they will perform roles that don’t necessarily come naturally to either – or both. The learning curve can sometimes end in disastrous results – for the home and relationship.

A man-wife is the ideal, though they are rather elusive, almost mythical creatures like unicorns. A man-wife is not a cross-dresser, a gay man, or a wife impersonator. (Is there a law a woman can’t call herself Mrs. if she’s not married? While it is a crime and is a punishable offense to impersonate a police officer, is it a crime to impersonate a wife?) And why can’t men be called wives?

Man-wives are naturals in the role traditionally assigned to women. Man-wives don’t automatically assume once they marry that someone else will take care of the household for them and they no longer need to do for themselves.

They are innate caregivers. They will remember your birthday in addition to their own – without reminders.

Prior to marriage, their abodes will not look like a frat house the morning after an all-night kegger, nor their refrigerator be modified into a beer keg. They will have furniture they bought and not found sitting at the curbside. It might be all brown, but their mothers didn’t select and buy it.

Note: If they have a recliner which is their favorite chair, they will be husbands, not man-wives.

.Man-wives will help clean the mess they made without being asked or told.

They will not just tell their partner to put something on the grocery list, they will go buy the groceries when needed. They are not embarrassed to buy tampons.

They don’t put clothes and towels in the hamper and wait for the Laundry Fairy to magically wash, dry and fold for them. They know how to operate a washing machine.

While husbands will grill (or barbecue), man-wives are comfortable at the grill, stove and oven. They can chop, dice, mince, sauté, bake and broil. If their wife is too tired to cook, they don’t automatically suggest fast food take-out, they cook. They may not be gourmet cooks, but they know how to make more than pasta – and coffee. They don’t necessarily wear aprons. And they know how to wash dishes.

Man-wives help transport their children to/from school and extracurricular activities. They are Soccer Dads. And Girl Scout Dads. And take the day off from work when the kids are sick.

Man-wives view marriage as a 50-50 partnership. Both parties are important. Neither is more important than the other. Stress affects both. It won’t always be easy. Compromises may need to be made. Major decisions affecting their relationship and lives are discussed with each other – with full disclosure, not decided by one without the other’s knowledge and agreement. They believe that a couple is a single unit, not separate entities living under one roof. They marry because they love, because they want to share life together. They don’t marry because they’re afraid of growing old alone.

Husbands may say their wife is an equal partner, but their actions tend to discredit the statement.

Granted, men are incapable of carrying or giving birth to a child – biologically as well as emotionally – so they‘ll never fully replace women. But why do they suddenly become incapacitated human beings once they marry? How did marriage vows translate from ‘for better or worse, in sickness and in health’ into ‘I get to do whatever I want whenever I want and you have become my personal slave’?

Position available: Man-Wife. Honest, loving man for lifetime commitment. Must be fiscally responsible. Ideal candidate will possess a knowledgeable and thorough proficiency in the use of household appliances (washer, dryer, stove/oven, vacuüm), be competent in domestic activities (e.g. cooking and cleaning), willing and capable of basic home maintenance and repair (e.g., moving furniture, hanging artwork, curtain rods, etc., painting, wielding a hammer/screwdriver, plunging a toilet, yard work). Sewing skills are optional. Ownership of power tools a big plus. If qualified, submit resume. Must love dogs. References required.



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