If MacGyver Had Had a Different Psych Profile…

serges-tools…he would have made a very imaginative serial killer. I’m talking about the original MacGyver as portrayed by Richard Dean Anderson.  (We’ll get to the wannabe later.)  Yes, it’s true he didn’t like guns. He didn’t need them.  He’d only need the bullets.  After all, the man could probably make a lethal weapon out of a bobby pin.  In fact, he might have done that.  I always meant to take notes when I watched that show.  Chances were good that I had all the supplies he used in each episode: bleach, ammonia, paper clips, rubber bands, baking soda, thumbtacks, pencils….yes to all.

Back to the bullets.  How to make them lethal without a gun?  Possibly a slingshot (rubber band, tree branch) although velocity is questionable for a lethal result. An MRI machine however, works just fine. There’s a very good reason no one should get an MRI test if they have any metal on or in them.  All you need to do is get your victim to ingest the bullets and then let modern technology do the rest.

Absolutely wicked.  Brilliant.  Definitely the work of a sick mind.  The mind of Serge A. Storms, the MacGyver of serial killers as created by Tim Dorsey.  Serge made use of Fix-A-Flat (definitely not on the food pyramid), a cooler stuffed with MRE warmers, garden hose+hula hoop+gasoline+floodlight+motion detector, stereo speakers, Great Stuff, zip ties plus some twine, a soaker garden hose, even a pair of Levi 501s.  Dexter wasn’t nearly as imaginative (in my opinion).  Death by Levi’s — inspired insanity.

All look like normal harmless guys.  None take drugs — although Serge really should (extremely complicated psych profile — documented — yes he‘s certifiable), though he practically mainlines coffee.  All only went after the bad guys, (MacGyver the only one just packaging them for the authorities).  Those that society could do without.  All have a standard of morals, though Serge’s are slightly…off.  Translation: don’t litter or drive around with your music cranked to the loudest with the windows open and never, ever poach animals.

You have to admit for such a geek (physics, chemistry, mathematics, engineering — geez, was there any subject he wasn’t expert at) MacGyver was easy on the eyes. Terrible wardrobe, but excellent houseboat.  He was athletic (hockey, hiking, mountain climbing, hang gliding, et al) and an environmentalist (save the earth, save the animals and eat granola) yet could never hold onto a girlfriend.  Maybe it was his cooking…

MacGyver was an adult — and never snarky, unlike the reboot of the character soon to be on the airwaves.  Granted, I’ve only seen the 90-second trailer, yet I’m both unimpressed and horrified at what’s been done to the ultimate troubleshooter that was original.  It looks like they’re remade MacGyver into an action comic book character.  I shouldn’t be surprised since network tv is filled with ‘manipulated reality’ series, clones of others  and…comic book characters.  I realize the new series is targeted at tweens and teens, but even my mother liked watching the original series.  She thought MacGyver was hot.  The wannabe:  not even close.  The original MacGyver never made anyone look or feel stupid because they never took any chem or physics classes.  He was respected by viewers and all the characters in each episode.  He had dignity yet was humble. The ultimate boy scout.  A one-man team who could perform the mission impossible.  An everyman — or the person every man wanted to be.

At least with Indiana Jones, they didn’t try to rewrite the character as a younger version of Harrison Ford, they opted to make a series about the youngster who grew up to be the archeology professor who went in search of the ark, the Holy Grail and the crystal skull.  If the new series was about the geeky kid who grew into the MacGyver we loved in the original series, I might feel differently about the impending series.  It isn’t nor is it about his son who carries on in his father’s footsteps.  Either option would be palpable.  What they’ve done is a travesty to the legacy and the legend of MacGyver.

As for Serge, there is a tv series, instead of a movie (only with an A-list lead per the author), based on the first book, “Florida Roadkill” in the works.  It most definitely won’t be shown on network tv.  Serge’s adventures are definitely for adults, not children.  At a book signing, Tim Dorsey made it known he wouldn’t let his own children read his books!  And Tim will be a consultant on the series so hopefully no one will tinker drastically with the character of Serge that’s in the books.  Can’t wait.  Personally I’m hoping HBO picks the series up.  We need something good to watch between Game of Thrones seasons.

Until then, I can still occasionally find an episode of the original MacGyver series to watch and I make sure I always have a pen and paper handy.  Don’t judge.  I never took chem or physics.  But I always carry a pocketknife — complete with bottle opener and corkscrew