Tarnished Armor: Ex-Tales and Dubious Knights

frogprinceGrowing up, I can’t remember any of my girlfriends wanting to be a princess from a fairy tale – any fairy tale. We did talk of growing up, love, husbands and children, but there was never any mention of princes, white knights, princesses or ball gowns. We would have careers – the choice of which sometimes changed month to month or year by year as we were exposed to new ideas and concepts in the progress of our education.

Many of us did not have stay-at-home moms. They may not have had careers, but they had jobs outside of the home. Therefore glass slippers and fairy godmothers providing an enchanted life of luxury were just words in books. Nice books. Books we read. Books we enjoyed. But still just fantasy books filled with people and places we knew did not exist in reality.

At least not on our socio-economic level.

So while we were not expecting to meet and marry one of the Charmings, we still believed there would be love.  That there would be one person we wanted to share the rest of our lives with who wanted us to share their lives with them.  Someone we could not clearly define by physical description since we felt no need to pursue – or eliminate – based on looks. (We believed we were not shallow.)

Somewhere, at some time, we would meet the perfect person for ourselves and we‘d get some kind of happily in our own story.

Instead, we met the Princeless Ones.

The Mild-Mannered Accountant who – over the course of five years – neglected to mention how many ex-wives he had. I could sympathize with her surprise and distrust.  What else hadn’t he mentioned?

The Deer Hunter, who managed to kill three deer in two years totaling three cars – a messy and expensive, yet efficient way to cull the beasties – who spent the entire evening talking about his ex-wife and children and didn’t have a single nice word to say about any of them. Try calling again in about 3 years, if you’re over the divorce by then.

Mr. Pond Scum who not only cheated as soon as the ceremony was over, but also secretly bought himself a weekend getaway cottage – in another state – with her money.

The one who drank a liter of wine every night before bed because he was still afraid of the boogeyman whose last words were “I think you’re a really great person and I like you a lot, but you’ve had a tragic life.” Seriously? What’s that expression about kettles? Who’s the one drinking himself into a stupor every night battling invisible demons?  Just keep walking bozo.

Then there was the date scheduled for the day after he proposed to someone else. Seriously. His defense? “What was I supposed to do after 2 years? Just dump her?” Well, heck no, it’s so much kinder to just leave her standing at the altar and publicly humiliate her – or file for divorce the following month.

The Requisite Dear John – who called long distance to deliberately say “I made a big mistake. I was too stupid to marry you so I married someone else.” Whoa.

Um…

Anyone know a response to that statement? Yes, he’s the fool, the idiot, et cetera, but what’s the appropriate response?

“Here‘s looking at you, kid?”

“May the force be with you?”

“We‘ll always have Paris?”

“Well, isn’t that special?”

“Bang a gong. Get it on?”

“Stupid is as stupid does?”

“Dracayrs?”